"Cheap-Ass-Bastard" (CAB) Tips: Eating Out...

As you well know from my previous writing on the subject, one is discouraged from squandering their ill-gotten gains on frivolities like 'eating out' at restaurants. However, given that one may tire of the drudgery inherent to preparing one's own food, and the reality that everybody will do so, at times, I've decided to provide a few useful guidelines and tips to allow filling of the belly, without emptying of the wallet:

• First, keep in mind the cardinal rule: its not about the quality of the food, but the quantity, in relation to what one must spend (#/$$/meal/pp ratio). Forget about both taste and nutrition value--remember, sedentary beings require few nutrients. Focus on the ratio. A genuine "Cheap-Ass-Bastard" (CAB) endeavors to get a whole lotta chow for the buck! Plan on going to places as close to home as possible, to both save time and lower transportation costs.
• Set a 'spending rule'; place a (psychological) price-point limit that you are willing to pay for a meal, and stick to it! Masterful CAB spending allows up to 7 (yes, seven) dollars for a real splurge-fest, but 'everyday'-type meals around $3.00 are more reasonable--try to maintain a goal of spending as little as $2.50/meal/pp.
• Coupons are your friends; use them often! No self-respecting CAB will ever pay full price for a meal. Many come right to your mailbox, and others are online or in local newspapers and 'PennySaver'-type publications (free). You get bonuses for cheaping-out with a buffet coupon!
• Buffets and 'Dollar menus' are your best friends! OK, the buffets are for splurging. Local burger joints and mexican/taco 'restaurants' nearly always have the cheap-ass foods you love, at a ridiculous price. Given the time, effort, waste, and direct costs involved in preparing your own meals, these places may even be cheaper than if you fixed them at home. Real CABs go for the dollar-or less menu items+ water, of course.

1. Buffet Tips: Never order any drinks (unless they come with the buffet price)--drink water, and then restrict all drinking, so you can fill the stomach with excessive quantities of solid foods. Go for meats! breads and veggies take up precious space reserved for fats and proteins. Chew well, and take your time; one could spend a couple hours pigging out at any given buffet, if one gets there at the start. Let food settle between trips. (try this!)
2. Burger Joint Tips: You can have anything you like, as long as its on the 'Dollar' menu, but go with water for drinking, of course. If you want to fill up, order two burgers (instead of one plus fries), unless there is someone to share a fry (eg., 1 Lg. fry per 3-4 people cheaping-out together). if you just need something to eat, try a double-cheap-burger and a large wa-wa--we're talking about $1 +tax/meal/pp! Given the place has the dollar menu you're after, and even that you are gonna pig out, we're talking about a meal for $2-2.50 pp! (If you solo this, and you just have to get fries, go for the dollar fries or 'small' with your double-cheap-burger). Believe me, either way, you will get beau-coup calories, fat, and sodium enough to last all day.
3. Taco Joint Tips: One of my favorites is the taco joint, or facsimile, with a condiments bar! These places can fill you up with their bean & staple foods on-the-cheap! Whether you are ordering for there or to go, you can load up on condis to reap some of the best ratios imaginable--approaching $1/meal/pp! The only disadvantage is that you must go inside to load up the goodies. However, with a condiments bar, you can transform two puny-ass bean burritos, simple tostadas or tacos into masterpieces of culinary delight, brimming with so much food that it will not only fill you up, but you will likely have food to go left over. I personally go with either two burritos or a burrito and tostada combo (off the dollar or less menu [eg., .89 each], we're talking two bucks for a potential two-meal-deal!). Load these up with the fresh tomato/onion salsas, liquified salsas, jalepenos, more onions, and whatever else  available to transform puny, deficient entrees into huge, overladen, vessels of plunder! Unroll that burrito and stuff 1/2# of veggies and salsas in there, and then chow out! Stuff and take the other item with you for another quick meal at home, later. (try this anywhere there is a condiment bar!) Water for here, please....

Well, these are GT's best tips for cheap-ass bastards. Try these techniques and apply the rules to 'save the green' wherever you go, when you just have to eat out. You can go to these same places and drop a huge wad of cash for more lavish menu items, but hey, it's all going to turn into smelly brown stuff by the next day, and the nutrition values/caloric content will be similar (or worse)--So, just don't do it...