The Fridge Monster

Yes. The Fridge Monster. I am sure you all know what I mean, though it often ignored--a subject better left for evenings spent crouching around a campfire. Personally, I have come to know and respect my own monster, and yes, I do indeed tend to its care and feeding. However, at times, its appetite can become enormous. I have to make a conscious effort to limit its intake, lest it consume everything in my foodstuffs pantry.

It is a wasteful consumer--a 'pig' as it were. I feed it everything that I can't consume myself in one sitting, which normally is most of what was prepared initially. These so-called "leftovers" are shamefully gobbled up by TFM, many never to be seen again. On occasion, I force it to regurgitate a prior feeding, that I might share in the gluttony. Usually, I return it once more to its designated spot in the front-shelf area. The digestion process of TFM is excruciatingly slow, however, so one must be careful not to remove previous feedings until TFM has had a chance to  move it to the 'back-shelf' area. There, the real digestion occurs,and seemingly, at a more rapid rate.

My FM is not picky; it usually eats just about anything that I do. However, funny how it seems to prefer that which I dislike the most, have tired of, or foods that I rarely remember are available; fresh fruits and veggies are its favorites! (geez, WHY do I even buy them??) Man, you should see what it can do to a head (or bag) of lettuce . Sure as Hell is hot, almost over night that bastard will have made short work of it, turning it into a glob of brown mush (a sign that it is time to remove it from the belly of the beast). 'He' ('She'?) also loves anything in opaque food containers, for some reason. Who knows what that was, before TFM got a hold of it? [if you can't see it, it's not there] Soups, casseroles, and pastas seem to be favorites also.

On the other hand, TFM seems to abhor so-called 'goodies'. Things like pudding, cakes, pies, and sweet or fatty things just don't ever make it to the back shelf, for some odd reason. Statistically, things placed in the door also seem to have a lower potential for digestion, unless they are on the bottom. Apparently, things fed in jars, and pickled goods, are rarely consumed by my FM. However, it can, and does, happen.

Proper care of TFM requires that owners go through the 'back shelf' area at least once/year--bi-annually is preferred, but quarterly may be too often. At that time, one should remove any items showing signs of completed digestion: molds, funk, and horrid smelling goo are the apparent sign that TFM has been sated. Don't even bother looking inside those opaque containers--rest assured, if its at the back shelf area, its a goner. Unfortunately, this may be a good time to clean up after TFM, wiping out residues with a damp cloth and mild cleaning solution . Often, strange liquids (even blood) will appear to be a by-product of TFM digestion. Don't worry, its normal--just wipe them up. But don't get carried away. Remember the mantra 'it's only going to get dirty again, anyways'.